Bulls Eye

I have begun something new, taking a job opportunity as it came and jumping into it. There is much that I have to learn and there will be much time I will need to have a practiced hand. But I am exceedingly grateful and excited for the challenge that lays before.

With jumping into this opportunity, however, I have done something that is a little uncharacteristic of me. Normally I like to take my time to way the pros and cons of decision before I make it. In this case the opportunity presented itself and I took it with a leap. The job is not in a field I am trained in or educated for, I will learn as I go. Again I would not normally make this choice, to go into a job that I am only a little prepared for. So why did I do it? Well if we take a moment to listen Time by Pink Floyd.

Let's look at the first line:

"Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day Fritter and waste the hours in an off-hand way"

How many times have had a day where we sat around not doing anything? I know that it happens more than I would like for myself. Recently I fell into a rut of sorts, I have been working two minimum wage jobs and while I was glad to have work I was feeling very unfulfilled by the work. Now my project of Lost in Aporia would address this....right? This was my project where I could write what I wanted when I wanted. Yet I lost my motivation and rather than write or read or do anything toward my project I 'wasted the hours' doing random sometimes pointless tasks.

"Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town Waiting for someone or something to show you the way"

Ever have the feeling that you were waiting for something better? That undefined, unclear, and unknown better which is believed to be out there, to cross our path one day. It is something different in all our minds, a job, a reunion, a long sought item, or that perfect match; there is always that idea of something which we are waiting for. There I was, right in that spot of waiting; waiting for an answer, waiting for an idea, waiting for direction. To be honest I am not even sure what I was waiting around for I just showed up for work every day and read little by little.

"Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today And then one day you find ten years have got behind you No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun"

My schedule was in fact quite easy, I worked for a few hours at a time and could devote time to reading and writing. Yet I had stalled in doing either. Time has been feeling different as well, an impulse running through the minutes, the need to doing more, or do something else. Why? Perhaps it was because I could feel no growth from my jobs. Simple work for simple pay with not much to learn in the hours there. I started looking down the lines and also started to reconcile some of my beliefs with the reality in front of me. For example I wanted to be an educator but saw what the environment was like in higher education and found that it was not for me, at least at this point in my life. But now I was at a lose. What career do I want to do? Write? How does one become a writer, by writing, and so I wrote. Doubts surfaced. I need time, I am not a good writer yet, but I could be...maybe? Time became a different factor. At the age of 18 it was easy to make plans, to think that I could make a course for my life and follow it without missing a beat. There is so much that I did not know about the world and there were many changes in store for the world itself. Time was different, every moment felt energized and yet the hours and days passed by like sand melting away into the sea. At 20 it was an easy matter to wait tables at night and spend the day reading and writing poetry. At the age of 23 I was no longer content with the simple formula. I needed to reach for the next plateau before the years got behind me, before I felt the hourglass run out beneath me.

"And you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking Racing around to come up behind you again The sun is the same in a relative way, but you're older Shorter of breath and one day closer to death"

I felt so much older despite being in the prime of my youth. That is how you may know you need a change in your life. When I was not at work I felt that I was chasing to few hours I had to myself and cramming all the living I wanted to do in a portion of the time. Like I said I was working minimum wage jobs and when you are trying to cover your bills on minimum wage it usually means working more hours to barely get things covered. Yes everyday I felt older, so much older than I should. And the sunset before I left work and I would sleep through the sunrise. This began to have its effect and not only did I not want to write I no longer was having ideas for writing. When you no longer feel that you are growing as person then you must know within yourself that you need a change.

The opportunity came when an old friend offered me a position in the company he works for. I would be starting at the bottom, have to work my way up, learning the craft and practicing my skills. I must admit to feeling a high degree of trepidation as to whether I would be able to handle my tasks and learn. That was last week and with the first week done I must say that I am glad to have taken the first step. There were moments where I was exhausted and my body ached, the physical labor impacting me day after day. There were moments of frustration, where I felt like I would not be able to get better at using the tools I was unfamiliar with. Once I dropped my hammer on my head. Yes there were moments where I thought that I had made a mistake, where I believed myself to unsuited for the job I now entered. However an idea kept me going and quite frankly it was the money. This job is difficult and is challenging me in may ways. But my hours are wonderful and I get plenty of time to come how and work on my projects. This job allows me to have the freedom I didn't before for so many reasons; a couple of the most attractive being that the schedule is consistent and I don't have to work as much to cover my bills. Beyond that I have to adapt physically and mentally to the job, I have to learn the new skills that I must use to complete my work. This job has put new breath into me and reignited the passion that was suffocating in the stagnation of previous months. Though tired I have come home and researched once more, I have written more this past week than I have for awhile. Yes there was more difficulty but I was glad for it and it will be hard to continue but I want to press on.

So I have set myself some new goals, to learn the carpentry skills I need to learn but also setting myself money goals. But I know myself and that I will have moments of rebellion against the difficulty before me. To help motivate myself I wrote out my goals and posted them to a bull's eye board I have. In the moments where I will need to I will take a break and throw the darts at the board, looking at my goals and a visual reminder that I have a target that I am aiming for. Boundless growth to all of you, you wonderful beings!

#thoughts #Time #challenge #work #growth #skill